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Relationship Fact: Love is a Conscious Choice

Posted on: February 28, 2010by Dr Kim Dr Hil

Love Drug

Relationship FACT: Love is a conscious choice. In fact, love is a verb and it implies action. Being attracted to someone is also a choice. Given that love alters your brain chemistry, we can understand how it may not feel as though love is a conscious choice. But trust us, if you want to create a thriving and passionate relationship with conscious communication, consider that love is a conscious choice you make in the present moment.

Research shows that your brain chemistry is altered for up to 18 months after meeting someone that you develop strong feelings for. This love drug brain chemistry alteration leads to all of the amazing feelings you experienced in the beginning of a relationship: constantly thinking about each other, the desire to be together all of the time, high sex drive and feeling that he/she can do no wrong in your eyes. Well, what happens after 18 months when the love drug wears off?

Intimacy and Trust

This is where many couples begin to bewilderingly wonder WHAT HAPPENED? They believe the other person changed or they just fell out of love. All that happened is your brain chemistry returned to normal.

You are finally able to focus on your work again or maybe actually make it to work.
You are able to get to bed at a decent time or get out of bed in the morning.
You can think about something else, anything else but your partner.
Life has more balance and you are able to take your love to a whole new level.

Your Shadow

This is where true intimacy and trust are fostered and where conscious communication counts most. It is also where more conflicts begin to ensue as you feel safe enough to reveal new parts of yourself that your partner hasn't seen. You have established a degree of intimacy and trust and now you begin to show what is lovingly called your shadow. Know that this is to be expected and presents the opportunity for applying conscious communication.

Coaching and Counseling

Kim Ward Ph.D. and Hilary Stokes Ph.D., founders of Authenticity Associates Coaching and Counseling, have worked as a team for over 15 years. Their mission is to empower people to achieve their authentic potential. They specialize in bringing the synergistic power of mind, body and spirit to individuals and couples. They are passionate about combining the best of holistic and traditional approaches to realize whole body wellness. If you are looking for a holistic approach to improving your life please contact Hilary Stokes Ph.D. & Kimberly Ward Ph.D. at Authenticity Associates.

About the Authors

Hilary Stokes Phd

HIlary Stokes, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist in California with more than 25 years of clinical experience, specializing in trauma therapy, PTSD treatment, anxiety, depression, and nervous system healing. She holds Master's degrees in Clinical Social Work and Kinesiology and Sports Psychology and a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology with a specialization in Tibetan Buddhist Psychology. Dr. Stokes is extensively trained and certified in brainspotting, EMDR, somatic therapy and other mind body approaches. Her integrative work bridges neuroscience, mindfulness, and holistic psychology to help clients process unresolved trauma, rewire stress patterns, and build emotional resilience.

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Dr. Stokes’ clinical approach is informed by advanced professional training and her own healing journey from complex trauma, which shaped her commitment to therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy. She has worked in psychiatric hospitals, addiction and PTSD treatment centers, universities, integrative medical facilities, and private practice. As co-developer of the psychology and wellness programming at Sanoviv Medical Institute, she witnessed firsthand the power of integrating mind and body for lasting transformation. Today she helps individuals heal trauma, strengthen emotional regulation and reclaim purpose through brainspotting, EMDR, somatic therapy and mindfulness interventions.

Kim Ward Phd

Kim Ward, Ph.D. holds both a masters and a doctorate in Transpersonal Psychology with a specialization in Tibetan Buddhist Psychology. She brings more than 25 years of experience in trauma recovery, Brainspotting and mind-body transformation. She is extensively trained and certified in Brainspotting, somatic therapy, and trauma-informed approaches. Dr. Ward integrates neuroscience, nervous system regulation and consciousness-based psychology to help individuals process unresolved trauma, shift limiting beliefs, and access greater emotional resilience. Her work focuses on healing at the root, beyond symptom management, through brain-body therapies that create lasting change.

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As co-developer of the psychology and wellness programs at Sanoviv Medical Institute, Dr. Ward brings a uniquely holistic perspective to trauma therapy and personal growth. Her path from corporate leadership into psychology shaped her commitment to helping clients move beyond external success toward embodied fulfillment and emotional freedom. Dr. Ward's expertise combines Brainspotting, emotional intelligence, contemplative psychology and purpose-driven coaching. Drawing from both advanced academic training and lived experience navigating complex family mental health dynamics, she supports clients in transforming stress patterns, reclaiming vitality, and aligning with authentic purpose.